With apologies to the Rev. Dodgson, although I don’t know why I have to since Carroll didn’t apologize to Isaac Watts, whose dismal poem ‘The Sluggard’ he riffed on.
Picture Credit: Hardcastle
’Tis the voice of the princess: I heard her declare,
“You have spanked me too hard, on my bottom quite bare.”
As a truck with its headlights, so she with her eyes,
Glares a heat at her uncle, yet he merely sighs.
When her bottom’s just stung, she is prone to remark,
And complain he’s a fiend, his intention too dark.
But, when the sting heightens, and the ouchies abound,
Her complaints turn to whimpers, a piteous sound.
I saw at the juncture, where her cheek meets her thigh,
How her puffy sweet lips were warm pink and not dry.
But her uncle ignored this delectable treat,
He preferred to spank even more ouch to her seat.
When her tushy was glowing as bright as the moon,
He stopped and he rubbed it, not a moment too soon.
She purred while he petted, then she turned with a growl,
“Do you see what you did? Now go get me a towel.”
(For anyone less than familiar with Carroll’s poems, here’s the original, from “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” Chapter 10, “The Lobster Quadrille.”)
’Tis the voice of the Lobster, I heard him declare,
“You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.”
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose,
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.
When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark.
But, when the tide rises, and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.
I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie.
The panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,
While the owl had the dish as his share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon.
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet by eating the Owl.
Hi Dev,
Inspired by this, I’ve produced my own version of another Carroll parody, “You Are Old, Father William”:
“You’re so lovely, my darling,” the young man said,
“And your bottom is rounded and white,
Yet I think it would look even prettier red,
So you’re getting a spanking tonight.”
“There’s no cause for a spanking,” his girlfriend replied,
“My behaviour has been very good,
I haven’t been bratty, or naughty, or lied;
So I really can’t see why you should.”
“That’s quite true, my sweetheart,” her boyfriend agreed,
“Your behaviour’s been utter perfection,
So it isn’t a punishment, dear, that you need
But a loving erotic correction.”
“That’s really not fair,” the sweet maiden demurred,
“For there’s nothing you need to correct.
Oh no, don’t shake your head! My defence should be heard,
That’s the least I’ve the right to expect.”
“Oh, I’ll hear you, my angel,” he answered with glee,
“I’ll attend to each word with great care.
But I listen much better when you’re ‘cross my knee
With your bottom upended and bare.”
“Oh please!” she protested, “No, don’t! Let me go!
I’ll be good! Oww, that hurts! Oh you swine!
Oww! Oh no, not the hairbrush – it’s stinging me so!
Please, your hand does the business just fine!”
“Your bottom is blushing as sweetly, my dear,”
Said he, “as a rose, I assure you.
And the hot loving spanks I’ve bestowed on your rear
Are proof of how much I adore you.”
“I love you, you beast,” she exclaimed with a pout,
“Though you cause my poor bottom such pain.
Come on, let’s to bed; after which, I’ve no doubt,
I shall want you to spank me again!”