Undergarmentology is a fine word, even if it isn’t – a word, I mean. My thanks to Nancy Redd whose recent how-to on the fine art of choosing and buying panties made the headline section of AOL’s welcome screen. Like all other areas of women’s wardrobery (another non-word I just coined) purchasing underpants is problematic simply because there is no standardization in size. A Liz Claiborne dress in size 6 might fit a girl wonderfully, while a similar dress from Laura Ashley in a 6 could swallow the unsuspecting girl like an 8, or perhaps bind her like a 4 because it was sewn on a Monday. This, gentlemen, is why our women have to SHOP for clothes, a major time-consuming task, while we go and BUY what we need with a small fraction of the effort they expend. Or perhaps it’s simply because ‘playing dress-up’ is a game they enjoyed since early childhood, at the time we guys were learning how to put bike chains back on sprockets, and wreak mass destruction amongst invisible enemies with make-believe submachine guns.
In any case, I have to wonder if Ms. Redd (Could her nickname be Rosy? Never mind) has a degree in Undergarmentology. If she doesn’t she should, since my own advanced degrees include a Master’s in Psycho-Physiotherapy (Saskatchewan University Moose Jaw, 1979, thesis entitled “Buttocks as Female Erogenous Zone: The Nerve of That Girl!” now required reading by all physiology and pre-med university students in western Canada), an Ed.D.D. (Doctorate of Disciplinary Education, Sault Ste. Marie University, 1981) and my S.Ph.D. (Doctorate of Spankological Philosophy, University of Minnesota St. Louis Park, 1983) would indicate, along with the above-mentioned difficulty in finding a good fit, that the study of panties could be a full time profession, as well as an academic specialty. I have to believe that our friend Dave from Cherry Red Report http://www.cherryredreport.blogspot.com would sign up for any class Prof. Redd might teach, forthwith and all.
That aside, the good professor included a link to a great many pictures of models in panties. Unfortunately, all of them faced the camera. Well, their bodies and their undergarments were turned toward the camera, which is highly annoying to those of us who aren’t especially interested in how a girl’s knickers look from the front. Yesterday there was a blurb from some paparazzo about Britney Spears’ flashing her panties. I tried downloading his video, one of Ms. Spears changing her kids’ diapers in the back seat of a car, and yes, she did show her undergarment because she was bent over accomplishing her task and her dress was made more for walking than for kneeling and bending. I must say that for a young woman who has had so much bad press, and done things that she should absolutely be spanked for, very strictly and with every ounce of my energy, nevertheless the underclothes she exposed and the fact that some jerk with a video camera wanted to shoot them should in no way disparage their wearer. One commenter on the subject said that she pointed her pantied bottom at the photographers in a ‘kiss my butt’ manner. Perhaps she did, and the photographers and videographers ought to take it that way. So back the truck off!
Yeah, I know – celebrities and paparazzi are mistletoe and oak. One lives and breeds on the other. And I hold no brief for a girl who can’t control her urges. BUT … and that is a BIG but … I worked with Britney, so I have a soft spot. Yeah, okay, it drove me crazy, standing in the background, listening to “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” over and over and OVER again in the Egyptian Theater in LA while she lip-synched the words, and we did retake after retake after RETAKE, amid the machine smoke for which I was paid a premium. Then we had lunch, me at my table and she at a table twelve feet away. Okay, we didn’t bond exactly, but I had to laugh when her mother walked over and mentioned that she was “sitting with all of her friends.” She was alone. A couple of years later I saw the movie on DVD. I wasn’t in it, although I think I spotted my suit and tie in a pan-by, and it was WAY cool to hang in the lobby with Dan Aykroyd between shots. But the point is, I’ve never seen Britney in a thong. Perhaps that’s merely because I haven’t looked at her web site and all the paparazzi pix, but the pink (that’s what the guy said; I think more a light burgundy) panties she showed off, knowingly or otherwise to the camera, were as demure and appropriate beneath a short dress as any this staid and stodgy professor could want. This isn’t to say she doesn’t need her manifestly adorable tushy smacked until she can’t sit down, for many and various reasons not the least of which is that I’d really like to, but bending over to change your kid’s diaper is NOT cause for celebration, in the worst paparazzi-inflicted meaning of the term. Yes, she needs to reel it in; yes, she’s had too much exposure in too many ways; and yes, that firm little bottom could use more than a few hot Devlin handprints.
I’m sure that won’t happen, and probably wouldn’t help if it did. She’s addicted to notoriety, and I don’t think Pfizer manufactures a cure.
So anyway, back to panties – and backsides. One thing Prof. Redd did in her article was a terrific pun. You’ll like this, Michael. As to shopping for underwear, she said something about “no ifs, ands or ‘butts’ …” So presumably the whole point of comely under drawers is to make the girl feel, if not appear to anyone in the world since no one is supposed to see them, more attractive beneath her outer wear, especially behind. Men don’t get this, most of us. We put on our underpants, and then we put on our trousers, end of story. But women dress in layers as intricate, as convoluted, and as sensitive as the folds of their vulvae. The term ‘foundation garments’ is indicative. A girl has to feel pretty EVERYWHERE, whether anyone else sees it or not.
I can’t tell you how many girls, women, students, fans and acquaintances have said that to me. Some even will wear a thong, despicable as that article of clothing is to me, if she thinks it enhances the beauty beneath – under a snug pair of chinos, for instance – but I’m telling you right here and now, young lady, if those pants are so tight you’re worried about VPL, it’s likely that the top of the thong will be visible as well, so you needn’t bother. Hrumph!
Prof. Redd suggests panties without seams, which are very expensive. Thirty dollars for a pair of drawers, I think not! That is unless you happen to be rolling in the wherewithal, RubySue. Yes, I thought of you when I wrote this, Ms. I Must Buy A Whole Stack Of New Panties For The Shadow Lane Party. Hrumph again! It is NOT up to you to keep the undergarment industry viable, missy, cute as you are in the delectable panties I’ve had to pull down in order to spank your sweet behind. The very idea! And Dawna, you are almost as bad so don’t get the idea this scolding doesn’t apply to you.
Sorry. Family issues. I’ll carry on now.
I like boy shorts. They are cute and adorable, and much my preference. If not too tight, as they should not be, they furl nicely at the thigh tops when I pull them down, and frame the naughty bottom with a sweet ruffle. Girl shorts, a garment I’d not heard of until I scanned Prof. Redd’s input, look a lot like the panty girdles I had to contend with in the late 1960s. Not that this is a problem, because they appear NOT to be made of the same armor plated Lycra they were in the olden days, and no doubt they work wondrously under snug jeans, VPL wise.
However, if you’re wearing a skirt, short or otherwise, my suggestion is that you choose your underpants for ME – or for the man who will soon pull them down and spank your oh so deserving bottom.
Lace is good, at the waist or at the legs or both. … Red panties shoot sparks to our spanking arms.
Black is VERY naughty and makes our jaws clench, and also invigorates said arms. White makes us determined – you MUST be taught a lesson, you impertinent little minx. Pink causes suspicion – is THIS the color she wants her tushy to turn, or is she just being coy? Blue is so innocent we KNOW you need a very hard spanking because you must be hiding something.
Purple? You’re asking for it, little one, and you are SO going to get it. Green says that you’re blonde and this is an attempt at distracting your spanker from giving you the hot, sore, ouchy bottom you need, but you and I know it won’t work. Are you listening, bad little girls?
Well, I hope so.
Devlin out.
