A Bottom By Any Other Name…

Most of my writing, when I’m not distracted by thoughts motorcyclish, has to do with spanking, and most of my writing on that subject – about 99.9% since I did write one published F/M scene a while ago – has to do with spanking young women of all ages on their … ah, but there’s the rub. I have to spank them somewhere, and in actuality there is only one place to spank a young woman of any age, and that’s on her – what?

I employ many terms for the target of my efforts, my energy, my affection, because redundantly using the same word over and over again is contra-indicated in the writing game, or so I’ve heard. The fact that I don’t own a co-op in New York, a cottage in Malibu, and a country retreat in rural Massachusetts may indicate I’m not the hugely successful author I want to be and may not have exactly the correct information on how that success should be achieved. But despite that fact I believe we, you the reader and I, can take it on faith that the repetitious overuse of any word is a really bad idea, so synonyms and euphemisms for an item upon which I expound so often are more than helpful, they’re crucial.

You have seen bits and riffs and rambles on this blog about knickers and garters, whom to spank and why (as if we need a reason), preferred and forbidden undies, and other issues of that sort, but I’ve never addressed the subject of what exactly to call the object of our fondest dreams and desires. Most young ladies have a preference along those lines, and it’s always a good idea for her spanker, be he boyfriend, husband, Internet buddy, or chance acquaintance at a singles bar or spanking party, to know this information.

Herewith then is a non-exhaustive list of the terms I use, or don’t, to refer to the bit of female anatomy which so enamors me. The list is in alphabetical order, starting with guess what, so stand by for heavy rolls.

Ass – Okay, the list really should start with ‘arse,’ but since ‘ass’ is an American corruption of the British word we’ll take that as read.

You also can take as read my rant about employing a term for livestock to indicate a most beloved item of female anatomy, but my objection is even more strenuous than that. Since its acceptance on network TV the word has been overused to the point of insipidity, and even before that (and still) its use as a butch premium add-on syllable to street-type banter always annoyed me, e.g., ‘that’s a lame-ass excuse,’ ‘what a stupid-ass mistake,’ ‘you’re one dumb-ass son of a…,’ and so on, as if tacking on the word makes the speaker appear tougher and the pejorative even more insulting.

Well, maybe it does, and it’s not that I never use it. Some of my characters need to be tough and butch, to endow them with a bit more street credibility than their white, middle-aged, middle class author has. Beth says the word occasionally in the Maid books, though Michael Swayne never would other than ironically, and I threw a great many of my linguistic scruples out the window when I wrote “Corporal Idaho,” in part because I do find worth in the terms ‘hard-ass’ for a determined and sometimes unreasonable person and ‘candy-ass’ as its approximate antonym. But again, overuse drains any word of its value, and I always will consider the term anathema when referring to a young lady’s…

Backside – For use in polite conversation, at high tea or between acts at the opera, one can’t do better than this, should one have occasion to make such a reference at all. It’s so non-specific and un-descriptive I’m amazed it ever came to mean what it does, but there you are – usage governs definition.

Behind – I employ this one both in exposition and in dialog, and consider it an excellent synonym though not necessarily a favorite, owing to its various other definitions. Its prepositional form is all too easily confused with its usage as a noun, and that can cause equivocation and unintended humor.

Bottom – By far this is my preferred term, despite its commonness and multitude of alternative meanings. Where ‘ass’ sounds coarse and crude, its nasty sibilance an assault (pun intended) on the ear, ‘bottom’ is fuller, rounder, clearer and, yes, more innocent. The women I spank or would like to aren’t altogether innocent – all are guilty of something, even if only of wanting me to spank them, or they wouldn’t be across my lap. But the very fact of their being in that position compels, or perhaps allows, a certain degree of regression to a simpler, purer frame of mind, where naughty little girls get spanked by someone who loves and cares for them. And juvenile though it might be, this is the term used by a loving and caring dad, uncle, close family friend, coach, or teacher. Little girls, of whatever age, have bottoms. QED. Live with it.

Bum – Angelika likes this one, of course – she’s British – but so does Katie James, who isn’t. Katie spent some time in Scotland doing spanking shoots and other sorts of photography, although I think her preference predated that trip. (She also likes ‘heinie’ but only between her and me, and I may not have been supposed to say that. Hi, Katie!) ‘Bum’ I would use only in dialog, and only by an authentically British character. I say would because I’m not sure I ever have, since Michael Swayne isn’t a big slang user, British or American. I don’t know how the vast difference in this word’s definition between American and British usage came to be, but if you want to get the big fisheye from a Brit, ask him if you can bum a cigarette.

Booty – I’m not even sure this means what I think it means, and if it does, why. Possibly it’s a corruption of ‘botty,’ or perhaps a variant of ‘boot,’ the British term for the trunk of a car, which of course is in the rear. Regardless, I never use the word in this context. ‘Booty’ is the stuff pirates steal.

Botty – The chiefly British diminutive of ‘bottom,’ another one I don’t use. Fantasy age regression is one thing, but this is too infantile for my taste.

Butt – Girls have bottoms; guys have butts – usually, anyway. I checked, and I wrote Greg rubbing his bottom in Maid Volume 2. Need a do-over on that, I suppose.

Buttocks – I don’t use this one very often, partly because it’s too clinical, and mainly because hearing some people pronounce the word sets my teeth on edge. Here I’m thinking of Tom Hanks in ‘Forest Gump’ – “I was shot in the but-TOCKS.” He wasn’t the first to annoy me in that way, though. Ed Lee at Nu-West videos gave the word a similar inflection. If I ever say it, which I don’t recall doing lately, I put the stress on the first syllable – ‘BUT-ux.’

Just as an aside – I note how many of these terms begin with a B. That’s simply a linguistic coincidence, I realize, only it’s interesting that when viewed sideways, a capital B looks a bit like a you-know-what.

Caboose – This is more metaphor than synonym, and I manage quite well without it.

Can – Crass and crude as the early 20th century street thugs who used it, we should bury this term in an unmarked grave along with them. As Sam Spade remarked, “The cheaper the hood, the gaudier the patter.”

Cheeks – Here’s another term open to equivocation, and I always add specifying information somewhere in the text.

Crupper – I ran across this as a synonym for a woman’s bottom in one of Richard Manton’s books, I think, and never bothered to look it up until just now. The primary definition is the auxiliary saddle strap that wraps around the horse’s rump; the second dictionary entry is ‘a horse’s rump.’ We can do without this one.

Coolley (spelling approximated) – I saw this only once, in a purported letter to the editor sort of thing somewhere. The alleged very young girl who supposedly wrote in said her little friend’s dad spanked her ‘on the bare coolley.’ I’m fairly sure this is a limited regional usage, and its origin puzzled me for quite some time, but then I realized that it could easily be a derivation of cul, a more colloquial French term for bottom than…

Derriere – My spell check program doesn’t mind so apparently this now is considered a borrowed English word, but my French professors would have a fit, since without the proper accents the French term for ‘behind’ is misspelled. I notice that Gwen puts an accent grave over the second E, which is correct, but I’m pretty sure there also should be an accent ague over the first E – that’s the accent slanted the other way. I can’t do either accent mark with this computer so I rarely use the word, handy and very classy though it is.

Fanny – This is a perfectly acceptable G-rated synonym, and also a somewhat popular girl’s name or nickname 80 or 90 years ago. Unfortunately it’s also slang for vagina in most British English speaking areas, including Australia. So no matter how drunk you get in a Melbourne bar, DO NOT offer to spank that friendly sheila’s fanny or you’re apt to have your neck broken. I’ve used the term often in the past, but not so much anymore.

Fundament – This is another one for use at high tea, even though I’m not sure it’s a true synonym for bottom except in my pedantic opinion. I might have had Michael Swayne say this on occasion, when he was feeling exceptionally British and discreet, or maybe just ironic, but I don’t think I ever put it in exposition anywhere.

Heinie – Yes, it’s an infantile synonym, and worse, Gwen hates it. One of the less pleasant neighborhood moms from her childhood poisoned the term forever, I’m afraid. It’s a corruption of ‘behind’ or perhaps ‘hind end,’ and I use it in some circumstances, though rarely if ever on this blog. One young woman, a passing Internet acquaintance a while back, used to get all goose-bumpy when I wrote to her and used the word. I even nicknamed her ‘heinie girl’ in my address book.

Heinder – I only ever heard this one a few times in Minnesota – actually on the ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ show – and I’m not sure how it’s supposed to be spelled. It’s obviously a somewhat butched up version of heinie, and not one I’m ever likely to use, verbally or in writing.

Keister – (pronounced ‘key-ster’) More a Borscht Belt comic term – K words are ALWAYS funny – than useful synonym and I’ve never written it, but you never know when you might need a joke.

Nates – This is Latin for ‘buttocks,’ and pronounced NAH-tez. I’ve seen it used rarely, the first time in a story about a British boarding school that had just gone coed. Of course the senior boy prefect finds an excuse to cane the senior girl prefect, and tells his minions to “… bare her nates for the punishment due her.” English schoolboys do love their Latin, though I’ve never had reason to use the term.

Nether Cheeks – I find this usable if a bit stilted, but when I’ve written four or five other synonyms on one page it comes in handy.

Posterior – Prohibitively pretentious even for Michael Swayne.

Patootie – Another I’m unsure about, but I think it’s a synonym, a very silly one and completely useless to me.

Rear or rear end – These are somewhat pedestrian terms, sure, but not without merit. Uncle Zeb made a pretty good joke of it to Lisa in Maid II. Well, I thought it was good but I wrote it so I might be biased. Also, I feel sorry for navy officers who break their backs for years climbing the promotion ladder only to wind up being called Rear Admiral.

Rump – Animals have rumps; your butcher cuts Sunday dinner out of a rump. My girls deserve better.

Sit upon or sit-upon – Usually a British term, although I say and write it often when I want to be exceptionally discreet.

Tushy – From the Yiddish tuchis, this is another discreet and fairly innocent term I use frequently.

As I said, this is not an exhaustive list, and doesn’t include the myriad of descriptive metaphors I employ – ‘pale half moons,’ ‘golden orbs,’ ‘smooth hillocks,’ and so on. I’m sure all of you have a personal favorite, or even several, but if there is a real point to this ramble it’s that regardless what you call it, and even if you see no need to refer to it at all, these magical mounds draw us like a lodestone, inform our dreams day and night, and govern our very existence like no other single object can or ever will.

That is all.

Devlin out.